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therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us