I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
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I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense