No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
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May you never lose your sense of wonder.
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
The smoothest fall of all time
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”