Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
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8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid