Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
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You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
The big book of baby names but for safe words
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS