Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
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My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
I am laughing way too hard at this.
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.