I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
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Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.