T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
You Might Also Like
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.