me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
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My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
This is a whole mood;
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
Meow?
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.