AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
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i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
New mindset, who dis?
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face