Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
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#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats