[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
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“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
Um … Hot Wings please
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape