Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
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Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
How long do you have to wait between naps?
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.