Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
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dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.