[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
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dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
I camp so other people don’t have to.
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift