Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
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So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
I’m listening
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”