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Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly