Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
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I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
i now pronounce you bounced.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.