We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
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I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”