If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
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[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
emergency phone
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…