WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
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Morning.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.