Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
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Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Hmm, not sure about this change
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
a lot to unpack here