[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
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*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
But that’s none of my business
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
my sentiments exactly
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”