9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
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Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
You look like you would fail a DNA test
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
estão todos miauvindo?
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies