just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
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After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*