What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
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*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
Omg 🤣
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek