How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
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omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
bugs when you lift up a rock
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u