*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
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[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.