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My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
Cashiers are always checking me out
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
I don’t think my car can fly
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.