People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
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It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
I’m having an out of money experience.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
The answer is funnier than the question
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon