Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
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Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
My patience has stretch marks.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.