Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
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Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.