when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
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What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
I hope this email punches you square in the face
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster