Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
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God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
Them: You鈥檙e a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I鈥檓 hot?
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
馃幍 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
therapist: so what鈥檚 troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
馃帀Made my last car payment 馃帀
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must鈥檝e been an earthquake
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*