Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
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[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”