these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
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frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏