If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
You Might Also Like
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
Classic German Shepherd 😂
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way