asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
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Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter