[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
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Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar