My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
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Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
secret recipe
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”