“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
You Might Also Like
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
The internet is full of many things
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.