“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
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Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
philosophical skeletons be like
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.