if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
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Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?