Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
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My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
is it earth
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…