When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
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I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
went fishing caught a bass
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.