ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
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Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.