Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
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Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
I think the cat got the dog high.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.