Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
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Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
#damn
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Quadruple digit IQ
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT