the three branches of government
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Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!