I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
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“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
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well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
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“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
the last thing a carrot sees
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?